Once upon a time there were two little put-upon boys, Georgie Shrub and his puppeteer friend Biggie Dick, who liked to play with fire.
They pretty much ran their school, Merca, along with their gang of dummies and bullies - Wolfie, Rummy, The Bolt, The Tent, Crystal Ball, Colin Ow, Spiced Rice, Ponty, Karen Distort The News, Ambassador Bummer, Brownie and the Architect (Shit For Brains).
Things were going pretty much their way until some bigger, terrible bullies in a gang called All-Qrazy-Cats from another elementary school, Af-Ghastly, sent some bikes with burning bags of shit into Merca's schoolyard, wiping out lots and lots of enterprising kids who were just trading Tamagotchi's for fun and profit.
This caught Shrub & Dick by surprise, even though they were told by the spy kids that they secretly paid to steal candy at other schools that an attack on Merca was coming. But, Shrub & Dick weren't really paying that much attention, given their distraction about stealing all the candy they could, and all.
Nevertheless, everyone in the school was pissed at getting covered by shit. So, Shrub & Dick decided to fight fire with fire. They sent all the biggest and toughest kids from Merca to go kick some All-Qrazy-Cats butt in Af-Ghastly. And they did. For a little while. And lots of the kids in Merca felt rightfully righteous about it.
But the meanest of the meanies of All-Qrazy-Cats got away. His name was Obi-Wanna-KillYour Mama-ComeAndGetMe-HaHa. He was the evil smarty-pants behind the shit storm in the playground.
Not giving Obi-HaHa a whuppin' really pissed off Shrub & Dick. But, what could they do? They couldn't find him. So, they kicked the butt of the nearest bad kids around, The Towellies, and tried their best to take over Af-Ghastly.
Meanwhile, Obi-HaHa and his lost boys in bathrobes went hiding in cubbies all over Af-Ghastly and Packy-Hidey and began showing other kids how to light shit.
And new, younger kids from other schools all over town were starting to hate Merca and wanted to join All-Qrazy-Cats, or any gang really, to fight back against the destructive boys from Merca. They were mad at the tough kids from Merca for starting trouble in schoolyards where they weren't welcome and didn't belong.
Still, there wasn't enough butt-whuppin' for Shrub & Dick in Af-Ghastly. And there was certainly more candy to be taken. What to do? What to do? It was time to light another match.
Shrub & Dick knew about another nasty little boy who they sometimes liked and sometimes didn't. When he was a friend they used to give him candy to beat up other kids. His name was Sadie Hopalong. He was the biggest bully at his school, I-Wrack-a-Dacka-Do.
Shrub & Bush knew Hopalong had lots of candy which they wanted back real bad. And they knew they could beat him up without bloodying their own knuckles at all. And they would look real good doing it.
So, they got all their friends (Rummy, Wolfie, Colin Ow, and the like) to say that Hopalong was best friends with the guy who hit everybody with all that shit back in the playground. Ya know, Obi-HaHa, who Hopalong didn't really know very well. And, they said Hopalong was piling up all the biggest baseball bats in town and was gonna come beat up all the kids in Merca.
That was a lie, but all the other gang-members in Merca thought it was a pretty good one to spread. They said that everyone should be very afraid of Hopalong (even though they knew he was pretty weak) and that he needed a good beating 'before' he did anything nasty, just to teach him a lesson.
So, Shrub & Dick sent even more of the biggest and toughest kids from Merca to go kick some I-Wrack-a-Dacka-Do butt. And they did. For a little while.
But, Hopalong also got away and hid in a hole. Finally some really good big, tough kids from Merca found him and gave him to another gang, run by MadTheSadist, who gleefully gave Hopalong his comeuppance.
Shrub & Dick were very happy with themselves even though lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of big and tough kids from Merca were getting really, really, really, really hurt.
And all over town, all the regional schools were catching fire from new shit storms. Blazes were out of control in I-Wracky, Af-Ghastly, Packy-Hidey. More fires were starting in Suddenly-Seriously, Yumpin-Yeminy, TooEasia, Limpying and E-Gyppity. And lots and lots of kids in Merca were wondering why we were fighting all these fights in the first place.
But, that was no longer a worry of Georgie Shrub, Biggie Dick, Wolfie, Rummy, The Bolt, The Tent, Crystal Ball, Colin Ow, Spicy Rice, Ponty, Karen Distort The News, Ambassador Bummer, Brownie and The Architect (Shit For Brains).
They all graduated from Merca and got lots of candy from their daddies at Corporo Carnage for all the good work they did making sure nobody stopped trading Tamagotchi's for fun and profit while their tough schoolmates were getting the shit kicked out of them.
And the fires kept burning and spreading.
After Shrub & Dick left Merca, a new kid took over - Hopey Changey Barry. He didn't like fighting. But he knew there were now even more new bullies who wanted to hurt Merca's kids.
So, he sent some special Merca kids with really special skills to find Obi-HaHa and take him out of the game for good. Which they did. And he sent some special flying machines to find and punish the nastiest of ring-leaders who he was sure were fanning all the new fires.
Some gentler kids in Merca didn't like this kind of fighting any better than any other kind of fighting and told Barry to just bring all our tough kids home. After all, Merca's school motto was 'peace and prosperity for all."
But the gentler kids in Merca were shouted down by the older friends of Shrub & Dick, like Grampa John and the Graham Cracker, who wanted to keep Merca's tough kids fighting in ALL the schools until the end of time, until we got all the candy or until all the other kids we didn't like were expelled - whichever came first.
Instead, Barry said he was gonna bring back almost all of the big tough kids from Merca that Shrub & Dick had sent to Af-Ghastly and I-Wracky. Barry wanted to send those poor traumatized children to the nurse's office to get fixed. And Barry wanted to get them all the candy they deserved 'cause they had some really bad boo-boos that would prevent them from getting any of the good candy on their own.
So he brought back all the kids from I-Wracka-Dacka-Do and said it was up to the I-Wracka-Dacka-Doodies to stop beating up each other and setting more fires. And he started bringing back most of the broken boys and girls from Af-Ghastly and said it was up to the Af-Ghastlies to stop beating up on each other and setting more fires.
But, that's not what many of the I-Wracka-Dacka-Doodies and the Af-Ghastlies wanted. They don't seem to want it now, either.
The thing is that they are mostly a bunch of gangs who hate each other and have hated each other for many, many, many, many school years. They all wear different school colors and will beat the shit out of anyone with colors other than their own or on playgrounds that aren't their own.
So, right now, too many in I-Wracka-Dacka-Do are trying to kick each others' butts. The Sunny-and-Awake kids and the Shi-Shis. The kids from the Party-in-the-Bath and all the Northern Curdles have gotten into the fight. The I-Runners are trying to be the bosses of all the school yards. The Got-All-the-Candy-Kings are very worried. MadTheSadist and his gang are itchin' for some pay-back. New kids on the block, the Hissy-Isis, are causing quite a bit of trouble.
And, of course, the All-Qrazy-Cats who sent those shit bags to Merca in the first place are still all over the place. Not to mention all the individual schoolyard bullies with their Mini-Mights who just like kicking ass and stealing candy.
And all over I-Wracka-Dacka-Do and Af-Ghastly and Packy-Hidey and Suddenly-Seriously and Yumpin-Yeminy and Limpying and TooEasia and E-Gyppity there are lots of kids who now hate Merca just as much, if not more, than they did when the All-Qrazy-Cats' shit hit the fan in Merca's playground in the first place. They want to smother Merca's "peace-loving" kids in dung.
So, who's to blame for this massive burning shit storm?
The moral of the story is that if two kids who like to start fires get their way and light wildfires that burn out of control, don't blame the brave firefighters for not being able to extinguish the conflagration. Blame the cowardly arsonists who struck the matches.